Through the Lens of a Dad

It’s been close to two months since my last post. Things got really busy, especially during the holidays. So, here is my follow-up to my previous post.

I owe a great deal in my progress in the area of anger this year to God, who has worked through my spiritual director. Once a month, I get together with my spiritual director and we discuss life, work, play, etc. For the first 4 months of our sessions, our discussions centered around the issue of anger. It was not enough to simply say that I was angry or that it was my default emotion. (Some get sad, some get silly or use humor as a defense. I get angry.) But the issue was why I was getting angry, and how could my daughter stir up so much emotion in me? I did not want to just stop being angry for bad reasons. I wanted to know why I was so angry or why it was my default emotion.

As my spiritual director and I met, i realized that the causes of my anger were varied and extensive. Too extensive and varied to write here but I will write a few examples down. First, I found out that I was getting angry at my daughter not necessarily because of the “bad” things she had done but because I was trying too hard to control her. When she did something wrong, I felt like it reflected poorly on me as a person or as a parent. Like I was not doing enough or that I had failed as a parent. I also found out that I would compare myself to a close relative, whose parenting skills I admired. And when my daughter would act up I would get really angry because I would think, “My goodness, what would so-and-so think?!” And so my anger was a way of clamping down on my daughter and controlling her. It was not discipline. It was control.

This, of course, is wrong-thinking on my end because I was not living in the grace that God has given me. I was not showing my daughter grace and mercy because I was not living in God’s grace and mercy. This false narrative that I had to live up to someone else’s expectations had crept into my bloodstream undetected. I was having issues just enjoying the fact that God loves me unconditionally as His beloved child and that in my life there is room for mistakes. Also, the only expectations I had to live up to were God’s – who wants me to enjoy the fact that I am His chid wholly and dearly loved. Simply put, I was not enjoying my Father in heaven the way I child should enjoy Him.

And secondly, I realized or have been realizing, that my anger has also come from the way I was brought up. I love my family and my parents but screaming and yelling has just been a way of life for me since I was born. I was parented and disciplined primarily by my mom, whose default emotion is also anger, in the form of yelling and screaming. During my sessions with my spiritual director, I had to accept and appreciate my mom for who she is and that I cannot change her. That is God’s job. My job was to change the direction and course of my parenting. Just because I grew up with something does not necessarily mean that my child has to grow up with it too. With God’s grace and strength, I could now anchor my parenting on Christ’s love for me and His teachings and life. I have a great example in the way Jesus loved and the way He exhibited grace to those who were hurting or in need of His touch. I also need His grace and His healing touch.

Well, i wish I could write more but like I said, the area of anger for me is varied and extensive and something I am working through. I am so glad to have a spiritual director who allows God to work through our sessions. And by God’s grace, I could see how much my Father in heaven has helped me this year. I pray for more of it in the new year so that I can become like Christ in every way.

How about you? Do you consider yourself an angry person? Have you journeyed into yourself to better understand your anger?

Thanks for reading.

Joe

Our church started a visioning process for the leaders and staff two months ago. The Church Board and other members of the congregation were hungry for a vision to support so we underwent a process for which I had low expectations. But, surprisingly, it has been a healing, though sometimes painful, process.

First, as the leadership of the church we had to identify the “here” of where we are so that we could move into the “there” of where we would like to be. The “here” is that place of discontentment, the thing that is “unacceptable” in your life. So the question is raised, “What is the ‘here’ that is unacceptable for me?” My immediate response is my anger and the underlying causes of it.

It is not acceptable to me, as a pastor of a church, to put on a happy face at church, pray and lead the congregation into prayer, be open to helping others on a Sunday and then coming home and being recklessly angry at my daughter. My wife remarked after a bad episode that it was not good for our daughter to see 2 kinds of ‘Christianity’ – self-controlled and composed in public but in private yelling and screaming at my little girl. Though yelling at little girls is not considered a Christian act.

God has been at work on my heart in the area of anger for the last 8-9 months, since I started meeting with my spiritual director. Throughout the months, we have been able to locate and understand some of the root causes of my anger and also find ways to seek and invite God when I sense things are about to go bad. It has been humbling, painful, confusing yet filled with hope, this journey into my heart I on which I have been traveling. I will write more later concerning this journey but for now, I will leave this wonderful and wonderfully long quote from Henri Nouwen:

“Anger in particular seems close to a professional vice in the contemporary ministry. Pastors are angry at their leaders for not leading and at their followers for not following. They are angry at those who do not come to church for not coming and angry at those who do come for coming without enthusiasm. They are angry at their families who make them feel guilty, and angry at themselves for not being who they want to be. This is not an open, blatant, roaring anger, but an anger hidden behind the smooth word, the smiling face, and the polite handshake. It is a frozen anger, an anger which settles into a biting resentment and slowly paralyzes a generous heart. If there is anything that makes the ministry look grim and dull, it is this dark, insidious anger in the servant of Christ.” (from The Way of the Heart)

Thanks for reading.
Joe

As I was reading a bit ago, I was taken by what James Bryant Smith wrote in his book, The Good and Beautiful Life:

“Many parents are dogmatic, impose unfair restrictions, ridicule things their children take seriously and make insulting references about their friends. It should come as no surprise that our children prefer the company of friends and families where they aren’t judged and condemned.”

It is not a new thought, but it is a convicting one for me as a parent. After I read it, I realized that there is still so much about parenting that I need to learn. And as my child gets older and develops friendships, there is still more I need to know and learn.

The other thought I had was that I wanted to start blogging again. I need a way to process my thoughts regarding parenthood and some of the things I am experiencing as a father, specifically as a Jesus-following father. So I guess I will try writing again and processing some thoughts.

First, I want to thank the one or two people still reading my blog. That includes Michelle. Thank you for praying for me regarding my last post.

Secondly, regarding my last post, I think I have to repent. God showed up where I was most concerned – in the youth group and at church. That same Friday, we had average attendance, about 20-21 youths, but a great night. My fear that the youth didn’t have direction or clear passion was wrong. Through the discussions in small groups and in the energy at worship and in the sanctuary, I could sense God in the hearts of our youths. The night was a reminder to me that I should continue to pray for the hearts of the youths and not get discouraged because somehow God showed up in our youths. I must be faithful to pray and hopeful, knowing God will show up.

Thirdly, I preached on Sunday of that weekend. I believe it was one of the times where I truly felt good about my preaching in a long time. I felt well-prepared, I felt like I had a good command of the subject, and that I was, overall, engaging the people. This is not to be arrogant or prideful but I just sensed that as I was preaching, God was showing me who was listening. This encouraged me to keep sharing the Word of God to those in the room. And after the sermon was over, I didn’t beat myself up or get down on myself. I just thanked God.

I’m not really sure what all of this means but right now, I’m feeling pretty good about what God is doing at our church. He showed me what He could do the weekend after I wrote my last post, which was filled with worry and concern. Furthermore, I’m getting excited about ministry and possibly planting a church. Some day, I would love to plant a church and start up a new community of Christ followers. But that will be further down the road. For now, I just want to thank and praise God.

Thanks for reading.

Joe

So, it’s 3am, early Friday morning. I was asleep for about 30 minutes until my 3-year old woke me up. But before falling asleep, I had a hard time falling asleep. I kept thinking about our youth group and how, and I hate to admit it, we’re struggling. Actually, I’m struggling with the youth group. We are operating without clear direction, without passion for Christ, and without inspiration to follow after Jesus. And I hate to admit it, but all of that falls on me.

Looking at this blog for past the last 12 months it’s obvious that I have been distracted by photography. I don’t want to get into it now but I do feel like my hobby has really pulled me away from my job as the youth pastor for my church. Why aren’t our youth impassioned for Christ? Why don’t we have clear direction? Why aren’t the youth inspired to follow Christ? Maybe it’s because I have not been consistently clear, inspired, impassioned, etc.

My prayer is that our youth group regain clear direction, a passion for Jesus and His Word and the inspiration to follow after Jesus.

Would you join me in praying for our youth and my heart?

Thanks for reading.

Joe

Albert Haase summarizes chapter 4 by writing: “To hallow God’s name is to walk the way of humility as we adore God’s presence with the awareness of our sinfulness. Praying the name of Jesus has the power to open us to the experience of unceasing prayer.” The above quote he shared at the beginning of the chapter. But, I much prefer what he wrote several pages in: “In keeping God’s name holy, we experience the paradox between the awe-inspiring presence of God and our awful unworthiness, between the adoration of the divine presence and the abomination of our sinful presence.” Haase writes that this paradox will ultimately lead to the virtue of humility.

The latter quote I love because it first reminds me that we, His disciples, do not make God’s name holy. Rather, it is our pleasure to keep it holy, by being blown away by the awesome presence of a sinless God and his grace upon sinful man. Knowing that God would allow himself to be present and dwell among us, inside us, around us, is moving and powerful. We see his humility, grace, and mercy. This, hopefully, will lead to our own humility, as we recognize our own unworthiness before such a loving God. It is my duty and pleasure, therefore, to keep my God’s name holy.

Unrelated to this chapter, but related to the whole book, is that there is something in me that wants to slowly and meditatively want to recite the Lord’s prayer spontaneously. I have found myself several times throughout the week reciting the prayer and cherishing every word, thinking about its meaning. When I’m washing the dishes I say the prayer. When I’m doing laundry, I say the prayer. And the Lord’s prayer then leads me to pray for other people in my life. Needless to say, I’m enjoying this book.

Thanks for reading.

Joe

I like Albert Haase’s subtitle of this chapter, “Experiencing the Extraordinary in the Ordinary.” Haase writes, “Language is incapable of accurately describing the transcendent God. The God who lives in heaven has taken on human flesh, thus making holy all human flesh.” I enjoy what Haase wrote in this third chapter because there is a healthy tension between a human being’s inability to accurately describe the God who created the universe, yet has an ability to recognize God’s presence in the ordinary. I don’t believe any of us can accurately describe God yet when we see His goodness in others we compare that goodness to God. Or if we see something as enormous or breathtaking as a mountain we can point to it and see God’s fingerprint on it – “there must be a Creator who made that!”

My favorite part of this chapter is about people training themselves to enter into the sacrament of the “here and now.” Haase warns of lamenting too much about the past and worrying unnecessarily about the future when God can be seen and experienced right now. While God may be in heaven, He is also here ever present among us. All too often I forget that God is with me, hoping I see His fullness right now. But, I worry and I get sad about the future or the past. I don’t see sometimes that God is present when I spend time with my daughter or when I am speaking with my wife. Those moments with those people are to be treasured and appreciated as moments when God can be experienced in the here and now.

Thanks for reading.

Joe

In his second chapter of Living the Lord’s Prayer, Albert Haase writes, “The first word of the Lord’s Prayer reminds us of our relationship with others and with the wider family of creation. The way of the disciple is the way of love, intercession and hospitality.” Because the title of the chapter is “Our” Father, the author focuses on the fact that God is more than just “my” father, but that we live in a wider world where those who have been created by God are somehow related back to us, regardless of religion or belief. That is not to say that the author believes that there are no “brothers” and “sisters” in Christ with whom we share our faith in Jesus.

The part about this chapter that stands out to me is the section called, “Engagement with the World.” In it, Haase relates the story of Thomas Merton, a 20th century mystic/monk. As a monk, Merton walled himself from the rest of the world, renouncing it altogether. But as he matured spiritually, Merton realized that followers of Jesus are called to a relationship with the world. Haase writes, “His (Merton’s) vocation as a Christian demanded that he be in the world and relating to the world. He prayed with one eye on Scripture and the other on the daily newspaper. To quote the title of one of his poems, Merton lived his life “with the world in his blood stream.”"

That’s what I need to do more of – pray with one eye on Scripture and the other on the daily newspaper. As someone becoming more and more moved by the injustice, poverty and victims of natural disasters in this world, I sense God’s push to get me to understand, even more, what’s going on in my world. So often, I just get too comfortable behind the “walls” of my church. This year has been a good one in terms of taking steps towards engaging the world even more. Our church has been volunteering more at local Christian organizations and ministries in the Bay Area. I’m quite happy with where God has brought us. But, I can’t help but thinking, there’s “more.” There’s more we can do, there’s more we can learn, there’s more people we can help.

Maybe that should be my prayer: to live my life with the world in my blood stream.

Thanks for reading.

Joe

This chapter should be called, “Resolve Your Daddy Issues Because it Affects Your Relationship with Your Heavenly Father.” It’s long, I know, so maybe we should just stick with Albert Haase’s title, “God as Father: Shaping a Healthy Image of God.” In the first chapter of his book, Living the Lord’s Prayer, Haase summarizes his point in the beginning. He writes, “A healthy image of God reflects Jesus’ experience of God as Abba. It should exude God’s unconditional love for us and call forth selfless acts of sacrificial love for others.”

As followers of Jesus we should cultivate a healthy image of God. It should be like Jesus’ image of God the Father as “Abba” –  a tender, sentimental, warm Hebrew term of an earthly father. As Jesus did ministry and engaged people while teaching, preaching and healing, his view of God as Abba became the foundation from which He ministered to people. Haase writes, “Indeed, without the experience of God as Abba, it is impossible to understand why and how Jesus did the things he did.” Clearly, Jesus had no “daddy issues” – no unresolved tensions or conflicts with his heavenly father, no deep psychological scars or emotional/physical wounds from God, no bitterness, no resentment, no jealousies. Jesus had a healthy image of God the Father, and so as a result he lived and worked lovingly, mercifully and yet administered justice.

As I look at my own life and my own father, a part of me cringes. I am thankful for my dad. He’s a good guy and he did the best he could to try and raise my siblings and me. But, he’s human and he’s not perfect. There were many years where I longed for love for my favor, a different one he was expressing. I’m also thankful for the years (the many years) that God has been causing me to reflect upon my relationship with my dad. God has done much internal work to reach a point of forgiveness, understanding and grace towards my dad in my life. And through all of the work and years of processing, I’ve seen my earthly dad’s love for me and my siblings. He’s not a “touchy, feely” guy but showed his love by providing for our family, working hard, and trying to make us laugh.

As I was reading through this chapter, I also began thinking about my own relationship with my daughter and whether or not I am cultivating a healthy view of what a dad should be to her. I wonder if my relationship with my daughter is doing harm or good about the way she will view her heavenly Father in the future. It iss my hope that my relationship with Ayumi exudes love, grace, mercy and justice. I hope she sees my unconditional love for her. But I guess time will tell.

Thanks for reading.

Joe

I have been having trouble reading the book, Living the Lord’s Prayer: The Way of the Disciple, by Albert Haase. I bought it over a year ago after our church had a retreat on spiritual formation. Though I am still very much interested in reading it, lately it’s been a struggle to finish it. Actually, it’s been a struggle to finish reading any book after I graduated from seminary in June. So what I thought I would do is read the book chapter by chapter and give some thoughts and reflections about it here on this blog, with the hope of completing the book. The book takes a look at what has become known as the Lord’s Prayer, found only in two Gospels (Luke and Matthew). It is what many of us recovering Catholics call, “the Our Father.”

In his Preface, Haase gives the reader his intention and purpose. He writes, “(The book) is my commentary and reflection on this prayer of Jesus. I consider the prayer to be a trustworthy guide for spiritual formation and a compact handbook for holiness… To  live – rather than to simply say – the words of the Lord’s Prayer is to walk in the way of the disciple.”

I appreciate this book because of Haase’s goal – to get the reader to live out, rather than simply say, the Lord’s prayer. For me, having grown up Catholic, it’s a challenge to live out a prayer I’ve memorized and repeated thousands of times since I was 6 years old. I’ve grown too familiar with this prayer. I can say the words to this prayer while washing dishes, watching t.v. and listening to my answer machine – all at the same time. It has lost its weight and its gravity. So when Haase writes that when Jesus shared this prayer it was meant to be a guide for going deeper into understanding God and living it out is walking in the way of the disciple, I am cut to the heart. Haase causes me to think twice about why I should even say this prayer if I’m not living it out. This prayer has become too familiar, and I need to get reacquainted with it again.

Thanks for reading.

Joe